Weird New COVID Guidelines Recommend Making Direct Eye Contact with Employees During Surveillance Testing

BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten.

“I was confused when the latest email from Cornell Health directed us to ‘cautiously but firmly eye your tester while tracing your hand in broad, arcing circles about your nostril,’” said Emily Nguyen ‘23. “I’m no doctor, but I don’t understand how this is supposed to help keep COVID under control on campus.”

The guidelines, which also suggest that those being tested should begin the process by “softly and sensually whispering your NetID into the employee’s ear like an agent in some clandestine operation, transferring sensitive information that only they can know,” has been met with a tepid response from the student body.

“I guess they haven’t screwed up so far, so it’s only fair to give them the benefit of the doubt,” said Murray Evanson ‘24. “A little bit of evidence would be nice, though. I clicked on a link at the bottom of the page that said it would give more information about the change, but it just took me straight to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s bio on the Weill notable alumni page.”

Recent records indicate that since Cornell implemented the new policy, positive COVID tests at the school have dropped to zero per day.


Like This!