OP-ED: Inconsiderate Asshole Is Successful When I Am Not

In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. 

Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there in the 80s. If he really cared about the less fortunate, he would quit, because I feel less fortunate every time I think about his stupid face. Who are those starving kids in nations subject to Western imperialism to make everything about them, anyway?

Unlike Roger, I’m not an asshole. I’d have no problem with him being incredibly attractive and universally liked as long as everyone agreed I was hotter and nicer. I could even graciously accept my life as someone who will be found dead in a McDonald’s ball pit at age thirty-nine if he died while trying to seduce a Chuck E. Cheese’s animatronic aged thirty-eight. It just pains me to see someone else do better than me for the sole reason that they care more and try harder.

Nothing I do seems to matter. Just yesterday, he got an A on the AEM 2200 exam, while I was referred to the Academic Integrity Hearing Board for copying his exact answers. Where’s the fairness? If the board hadn’t kicked me off campus, I’d be giving him a piece of my mind right now.

I guess Roger really is better than me — what’s this? I just got a text from my mommy saying I’m the “bestest kid in the whole wide world.” Rant cancelled. Roger may have friends, a job, and good grades, and an overall higher standard of living, but at least I’m my Mommy’s favorite.

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