Nooz Staff September 6, 2021

Conservative Who Will Never Get Anyone Pregnant Excited to Debate Moral Standards for Abortion

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone.

“Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights, even though women find me absolutely noxious. Nevertheless, we have to morally consider the right to life of the fetus. And by we, I mean everyone else, because I literally will never be forced to make that choice.”

Dumfries argued that Texas was righting a critical error in the nation’s history by overturning Roe v. Wade, but lamented that unlike America’s far-right Supreme Court, girls simply wouldn’t give him a fair hearing. “Now that abortion will hopefully be made illegal across the land, girls may find my lack of sexual fertility a very appealing characteristic. After all, who needs legal, safe abortions when your mate can’t even get you pregnant, right ladies?” Dumfries smirked, dressed in a suit and bowtie for no obvious reason.

Fellow student in the course Anne Clairevoy ‘22, who had the unfortunate privilege of “debating” Dumfries in class, pointed out to Dumfries during the discussion that not only would he never have to physically make the choice of abortion, but considering that he would likely die a virgin, would never really have to think about it at all. “When he first walked into the class, I took one look at him and knew instantly he was sexually impotent. It wasn’t just the Turning Point USA and PragerU buttons on his backpack, it was sort of an aura emanating from him. I have a good ability to detect the forever virgins.”

Despite a request for comment at the end of class, Dumfries was too busy begging girls in his course to “debate and/or date” him, and then sulkily skulking off to watch Ben Shapiro videos.

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