STEWART AVE—With the return of generations of Cornell alumni to Ithaca this coming weekend, the roads of Collegetown eagerly anticipate the opportunity to bump, scratch, and totally annihilate vehicles of all shapes and sizes. Particularly excited and primely located is the historic brick road portion of Stewart Avenue. Decades behind in much needed repairs and perfectly positioned at the bottom of Williams Street, loose bricks and oddly shaped gaps turn into seasoned weapons of vehicular destruction.
“Once or twice some cars have gotten lucky, but 99% of all of the cars who drive over me end up with at least a scrape,” boasts local brick Brickster McBrickerton ‘1865, laid over during the founding of the university. “Banging up a sports car is like taking candy from a baby. I just sit there and in one or two bumps, I’ve got them in need of a new paint job. The raised SUVs are a little harder, but my buddies and I have a system where we make the ground so uneven that the cars bounce up and down. When the bottom of the car gets close we pounce like wolves. Bonus points to any brick that makes a bumper crack.”
As homecoming draws closer and closer, drivers far and wide heed the challenge. The bricks of Stewart Avenue and the droves of expensive vehicles prepare for local students’ longest war.
Even returning alumnus Joseph Hyoon ‘20 fears what the weekend may bring to his vehicle. “I’ve done everything: driving fast, driving slow, mounting my car, but none of it seems to work. Brickster’s clipped me so many times that my car took more damage when I had it up senior year than when parents drove it for the ten years prior. If I’m honest, I’m not even sure going back for my commencement ceremony is worth it anymore.”
At press time, arriving alumni were seen avoiding Stewart Avenue, and opting for the traffic-jammed and destructive potholes of College Avenue.