Student Returning Home For Thanksgiving Horrified by Unmistakable Signs That Parents Have Managed to Rekindle Long-Dead Sex Life in Their Absence

BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. 

“Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of it until mom comes out of their bedroom giggling as she brushes out her tousled hair and lifts up her shirt to wipe whipped cream remnants off her lower belly.” Yearwood complained. “I even overheard her on the phone telling my aunt in graphic detail about the time my dad stuck all ten fingers up her vagina all while going down on her. That’s the same hand he uses to fist our Thanksgiving turkey every year. It’s so disgusting” Yearwood said; yet unaware that he was conceived during a rush of animalistic passion in a Wendy’s bathroom. 

Yearwood’s suspicion was also piqued by orders for lube and a nine-inch strap-on made on the family’s joint Amazon account. Noah’s suspicions were confirmed on Saturday, after spending the entire night lying awake in his childhood bedroom, staring at the glow in the dark stars and paralyzed with horror as he heard violent thumping and cries of “oh yes, fill that hole too Marshall!” emanating from his parents’ bedroom. 

“I really thought our sex life had wheezed its last, dying breaths around the 2008 subprime mortgage crisis. I chalked it up to Sherry hitting menopause, but turns out the only thing killing the mood was our son. With that cockblock out of the house, we’ve just been fucking like rabbits!” Marshall Yearwood revealed. “I miss our Noah, but being an empty nester has given me time to take up some wonderful new hobbies, like herb gardening and hardcore BDSM” Sherry added. 

As of press time, Yearwood has found himself spiraling into self-doubt after realizing that his parents are the most popular members of Bloomfield’s burgeoning swinger scene, while he is barely pulling a C in Human Bonding and hasn’t felt the touch of a woman, well, ever. 

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