In a move as predictable as the changing of the seasons or frats violating COVID protocols, Cornell’s switch to in-person instruction has been celebrated by students who will once again be complaining about the class format in 48 hours, tops.
“I can’t wait to be back on campus and moving around instead of sitting in my dorm all day,” said Michael Herrera ‘22, completely unaware that he will be complaining about the walk to his morning lecture by Wednesday at the absolute latest. “It’ll be so much easier to concentrate once I’m in a lecture hall packed with talking students with no chance of the professor noticing I’m on my phone. I’ll even get to see my classmates!” he said of the people who in a mere two lectures will be “the worst project partners [he’s] ever had.”
Despite Herrera’s fanatical conviction that in-person instruction will save him from a semester of disengagement and poor academic performance, the people familiar with his extremely predictable behavior aren’t convinced.
“It’s obvious that he’s gonna complain about in-person classes this semester, just like he has every single day of every semester so far,” said Carson Cooper ‘22, Herrera’s roommate and longtime sufferer. “Right now it’s all ‘transmission is low’ and ‘we should have been in-person already,’ but you know he won’t stop talking about how he’s being ‘exposed to a life-threatening disease’ the second he hears a sniffle. He hasn’t been this full of shit since last time he promised he’d pay me back for Oishii Bowl.”
Herrera concluded his praise of in-person instruction by proclaiming that this will be “the semester he gets it together” for the seventh semester in a row.