OP-ED: I Have Medically Sensitive Nipples And I Refuse To Obey Cornell’s Tyrannical Shirt Mandate

For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in any length.

Why must I wear a shirt to class?

I will be silent no longer. I am proud to announce that due to what my doctor describes as “shockingly sensitive areolas,” I will no longer tolerate Cornell’s draconian laws mandating the covering of the chest and midriff, both in and out of doors. Even if they do not require this everywhere on campus, there is no scientific basis for forcing me to don a sweater just to attend a lecture. And where they make ridiculous falsehoods, our bodily autonomy trumps their “science” and “evidence” claiming that going shirtless has medical risks. “Sunburns” are an establishment myth propagated by scientists with financial interests in selling us lotion, and I will not buy it. I am in agony, I am mad as hell, and I am not going to take this anymore.

You must consider what life is like for me. Walk a mile in my shirt. Every day, taping up my chest like a cross country runner, only to have the rough cotton material rip through and tear my nips to tatters during a casual stroll up the Slope. It is humiliating. I have tried cotten, polyester, linen, yet all of these are sandpaper to my perceptive papillas. I have requested medical exemptions, but the Shirt Police remain behind every campus door, ready to accuse me of indecency for a choice I damn well have the right to make for myself.

This is not a popular view. Even now, I am sure the PC hyper-woke crowd is hatching a plot to stop me. Even the campus conservatives who complain about cancel culture will come for me, defending the pockets of Big Fabric over their own free will. Let them try. I, for one, am a free speech warrior, a believer in the overriding power of truth, and I know my views will triumph over the silk-shouldered extremists.

As the great Thomas Jefferson once said, “When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.” Do not succumb to fear. Become ungovernable. Join me in shedding the straitjackets that bond us, and our silent majority will take back the freedom we are owed.