Cornell Sets Pre-Enroll Start Time To 2am To Better Accommodate Waking Hours of Average Student

COLLEGETOWN- This Monday, not yet yawning Naomi Morningstar ‘23 logged into Student Center to enroll in her senior year classes at the wee hours of the morning.

“We thought that this was the best call for the situation,” Cornell’s Dean of Academic Enrollment Tobias Nightingale explained. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen students in Duffield at 2:00am wailing about finishing their CS assignments, but there’s not a soul there at 7:30am. I like to walk through them when it’s completely empty and just sit in every chair, one by one. Really mark my scent, you know?”

Before Monday morning, Morningstar had last slept Friday between the hours of 5:00am and 3:00pm, happily snoring through three irrelevant lectures reviewing content for the three prelims she had this week. She then spent the weekend day-drinking before finally starting to study at 10:00pm last Sunday, at which time she worked for four hours (with intermittent 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes, obviously) until her pre-enrollment window opened.

“I really appreciate how much the administration thought about the welfare of their students in making this decision,” Morningstar exclaimed. “What kind of psychopath is awake at 7:30am and asleep at 2:00am? No one I’d want to associate with, that’s for sure.”

After sleeping 15 hours, Morningstar awoke and realized that she had accidentally enrolled in twelve different bowling sections instead of her required courses.