BREAKING: No Big Red Football Players Selected in NFL Draft for First Time in Zero Years

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Key figures in the Cornell athletic department were stunned when zero Cornelians were selected in this week’s NFL draft, their first such omission in the 365 days since last years’ draft..

“When I think of Cornell, I think of a historic football powerhouse,” said Coach David Archer ‘05. “For this program not to have any draftees this year, it really could be construed as a wake-up call. Although I tend to sleep through my alarm, so I’m not really sure how useful that would be. It’s probably significant, though.”

The Big Red, which finished the 2021 season with an abysmal 2–6 record, has not had a player drafted since 2013. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal that the program will experience a renaissance in the upcoming 2022 season.

“We’ve got some big-time dudes coming out this year, some real football-playin’ Jessies,” said Coach Archer unprompted. “I wouldn’t be shocked to see us win three, maybe even four games next year if we really play our tails off. That ought to really catch the attention of all the football teams like the Jets, the Jaguars, Clemson, and all the other big ones.”

At press time, athletic department officials were desperately lobbying general managers from the newly created United States Football League to please at least consider picking somebody, literally anybody, from Cornell to play on a professional football team.

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