CAYUGA HEIGHTS– As students entered a local frat party last night expecting the usual mix of edm songs and ABBA trap remixes, many were confused when the DJ seemed only interested in playing a twenty-minute repeating loop of top 40 pop hits from the year 2014.
Was this easy-listening aficionado simply a brother at the fraternity with an affinity for bubblegum pop? Not quite, it turns out. “Yeah, we have no fucking clue who that guy was,” said fraternity president Brad Gorman, Dyson ‘24, who reportedly granted the man access to the aux cord because of his “undeniable aura of authority.”
According to our sources, the mystery man was Glen Martin, long-time assistant manager at the South Meadow street TJ Maxx location, and this isn’t his first offense. In an interview, Martin opened up about his lifelong passion for re-introducing young people to “real music.” “It’s always alternative this, indie that nowadays,” reported an exasperated Martin. “Sometimes it feels like retail stores are the only places that still play the classics.”
Martin, who was hired into his role in 2014, admitted that he does have a soft-spot for that era of music. “Songs like ‘Happy’ by Pharell and ‘All of Me’ by John Legend are evergreen, but I’m always on the hunt for the next big retail hit,” noted Martin, who voluntarily disclosed that he experienced a “massive, week-long erection” after hearing “Music for a Sushi Restaurant” by Harry Styles for the first time.
Unfortunately, the fun ended prematurely as several party-goers abruptly exited the frat house after being overcome with an unquenchable desire to purchase a sensible beige blouse for a reasonable price.