THE PROSPECT OF WHITBY—In a record bad day for poultry, a chicken has been found in complete and utter disarray after being turned away from all cooperative living opportunities, left with absolutely no co-op to call home.
“It is honestly a bit of a bummer, because she really was one of our more enthusiastic mosey-ers. As soon as she got here she started hopping around and bawking like crazy, and I mean she went for hours. It was impressive, but what are we supposed to do? The university has a strict no animal policy, and I’m honestly not even sure she’s enrolled here. Every time we asked her for her major, she just started clucking!” explained Marie Drums ‘23. A senior who has now lived in the house for one year, Drums cannot help but explain, “We would never willingly discriminate based on species. If she could guarantee her studenthood, we would take it right to the university president!”
Ultimately, the university stands in the way of this chicken finding her family. Regardless of the students’ willingness to truly accept “anybody,” the stopper was placed on this particularly lost bird.
After her rejection, however, the chicken seemed to make no key moves to identify herself as a student or return to any dorms. In fact, the chicken was really only able to sit in the yard of Triphammer Co-Op, downtrodden, releasing a soft cooing noise that sounded something like “Coop, coop.”
At press time, Triphammer members were struggling to move the chicken from its self-proclaimed crying spot in their yard.