MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition.
“This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president. “Since we’ve called ourselves Americans, we’ve been serving overcooked turkey on Thanksgiving Day, right next to the casserole with all the raisins in it and the cranberry sauce still shaped like a can.”
The group is “prepared to take action” according to their statement. Armed with several grill forks, a diverse supply of seasonings such as salt and pepper, and a single turkey baster, the so-called “Poultry Platoon” plans to operate until the end of Thanksgiving break, seizing and seasoning any turkeys which attempt to enter or leave the White House.
The group’s efforts have even gained the support of the alumni community, with the history of the pardoning tradition being skillfully ripped apart by Mr. Job Fowler ‘22. “Like it or not, all turkeys have an equal right to be served up on a platter and eaten,” Fowler wrote in a newspaper no one reads. “They’re practically begging for it. Why else would they run around screaming gobble gobble?”
Fortunately, the group’s tactics were thwarted when they were whisked away from the White House gates by a family on their yearly turkey trot.