The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning.
What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this season than to roast like ham all cozied up next to my fireplace with a cocktail full of eggnog just relishing that good ol’ holiday spirit.
Except for one thing.
You remember your Uncle Stew, right? Ya know, the stocky guy with the mutton chops? Well, Stewy and I go way back, we were really close buddies at University of Kansas, and I’ve been reminiscing on some good times I had with him. We’ve grown apart, and this time of the year brings back memories of when we used to wrestle like dogs in the snow (he would always win, that beefy bastard!), and it’s made me realize what my only wish during the holidays is: for someone to give him a big ol’ smooch on the mouth for me.
Oh how I’m sure he’d get a kick out of a mushy smackaroo just like he did in the good ol’ days. It’s his favorite. So, pucker up for him, will ya? I ask for so little, and it would mean the world to me if you do – it’ll brighten up his life as well as mine.
You don’t need to say or explain anything before you do it – he’ll know who it’s really from.
Thank you and have a blessed day, and remember, Stewy likes ‘em sloppy!