NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester.
“I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things we care about,” opined Andrew Davis, a noted wet clothes aficionado and recent inductee of Cornell Wet Club. “The dryers were only somewhat defective last semester, and I feel much more relieved now that I know that the $1.30 I’m spending weekly has no chance of going to waste by actually drying my clothes – who in their right mind would want that?”
Davis went on to describe how important it is to tackle the freezing winter of Ithaca with drenched clothes. “College is about preparing you for the harsh realities of the real world, and those pampered kids from universities with functional dryers will never know what’s coming for them.”
The administration was happy to comment on the matter: “We’ve only managed to turn off operations for dryers in a few dorms on North Campus so far. The plan is to extend this to all dorms on campus by the end of the semester – we don’t want any of our students to miss out on the joy of leaving the laundry room with a fresh batch of soggy, dripping clothes.”
Davis also reportedly spends his free time standing next to whatever puddles he can find on campus, in the hopes that a car would drive by and splash water over his drying clothes.
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