Valentine’s Day Fun? I’m Crying at Golden Corral

GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out.

“I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to go to Golden Corral of his own volition, and not because his youth soccer team just lost a 42-1 game and decided to drown their loses in an unlimited supply of customized baked potatoes. “I thought the hearty feeling of my favorite restaurant would cheer me up, but seeing all the happy couples is just making me sadder.”

Singer, a loser, first considered other restaurant favorites before settling on the warm aura and nostalgia of Golden Corral including Chili’s, Texas Roadhouse, and–for a more sophisticated setting–Olive Garden.

“I thought the Chill’s would be too happy a place to really wallow in,” Singer explained. “I mean, who can beat those iPad games they let you play right at the table? And although I love a good bull ride, Texas Roady Roads is a little too macho for me, if you know what I mean. The Garden of Earthly Delights that is Olive Garden would have also been fun, but it’s out of my price range. Who can afford those fancy breadsticks?”

Singer managed to cry so profusely at Golden Corral that the restaurant named a new drink after him: Tears of the Most Pathetic Man on Earth, which is just salt water, but with a lemon.

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