SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–The world of low-performance sports was rocked this Friday when a coalition of five she-bears announced that they had each given birth to one of Touchdown’s cubs this past breeding season.
“While students think of Touchdown as cute and cuddly, this teddy bear gave my clients more than just a bear hug,” alleged the coalition’s lawyer. “Touchdown rakes it in performing at Cornell football games while his children can’t afford to eat more than a few smackerels of honey. If he doesn’t start paying child support, we’re going to have to call animal control.”
Attempts at DNA tests have proved unsuccessful after the first clinician who attempted to perform sample collection lost all arms and legs in the process. However, the cubs share many of Touchdown’s distinctive features, including his brown fur, disproportionate head, and flat, unblinking eyes. Nonetheless, Touchdown’s team maintains his innocence.
“This is a smear campaign, pure and simple,” said Touchdown’s handler Tony Ursus ‘15. “Touchdown is a firm believer in abstinence before bearriage. As a registered member of the Utica Zoo bear breeding program, he would never mate with someone who wasn’t selected by a zookeeper after a thorough review of their genetics. Besides, anyone who’s seen a Cornell football game knows that Touchdown can’t score.”
At press time, Touchdown had refused to comment on several jars of so-called “hush honey” sent to the dens of all five bears.
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