Colonel Sanders Reborn? Guy in Trillium Insists Chicken Tenders Are “Finger-Licking Good” By Licking the Absolute Fuck Out of his Fingers

KENNEDY HALL—Patrons of Trillium Dining Hall were left scrambling for headphones and ear plugs after an auditory assault by one diner who takes KFC’s mantra to heart.

“It was like listening to a baby gargle its own spit up,” stated a shaken Maria Sanchez ‘24, who was sitting right across from the auricular assassin when he began lapping at his digits. “I did everything I could to get him to stop: I glanced at him a few times. I coughed a little. I even sighed. The maniac didn’t seem to notice.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” said Paul Harland ‘26 in defense of his actions. “But tongues aren’t just for talking. They’re an extension of the heart, and what my heart wanted was for every last morsel of those delicious chicken tenders to touch my taste buds before I washed them down with an ice-cold Pepsi, Kentucky-style.”

Harland, originally from Sacramento, California, revealed he had only visited Kentucky once in his entire lifetime during a road trip in which he spent a total of 2 hours and 37 minutes in the state, 30 minutes of that being inside a KFC. 

The experience was “eye-opening,” according to Harland. “Every person in that restaurant had their hand in their mouth knuckle-deep. You could hear them siphoning the eleven different herbs and spices from their fingertips, the melodious moistening stopping just long enough for them to fist a handful of macaroni or mashed potatoes into their gaping maws.”

“Freedom like that is a hard thing to come by,” attested Harland. “And now that I have, I don’t plan on giving it up, no matter how pruny my hands get.”

Harland was later admitted to the hospital after attempting to ladle onion soup down his gullet using only his cupped palms. 

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