COLLEGE AVE—Maddy Smith ‘26, member of Delta Alpha Chi Kappa Phi’s latest pledge class, is proud to announce that her sorority is leagues ahead of all others and is willing to fight tooth and nail with anyone who shows the slightest inclination to disagree.
According to Smith, who spends a modest 8 hours a day on Greekrank and claims to have extensive insight into the inner workings of all sororities on campus, Kappa Phi is clearly the best in all categories, from philanthropy to social events.
In explaining why her sorority reigns supreme, Smith made use of the extensive notes she made from browsing Greekrank posts over the past month while skipping half her classes. Her justification ranged from Kappa Phi’s wide range of social events (including a recent mixer with the hot guys from Sigma Delta Epsilon Alpha Omega!), impressive Instagram posts, and fundraising efforts for their chosen charity, which Smith claims is “the most important cause of our generation.”
Smith’s friends aren’t pleased with her newfound obsession with sorority rankings. In particular, her friend from Delta Alpha Chi Kappa Psi didn’t find her comments on Kappa Psi being a “bottom of the barrel” sorority to be amusing. Smith, however, shows no remorse: “All I said was the truth, and if she’s too afraid to hear it, then I don’t need to be friends with her anymore. After all, my sisters are all I need now.”
Despite being called out for her unhealthy obsession with rankings, Smith remains steadfast in her conviction that Delta Alpha Chi Kappa Phi is the only sorority worth being in: “If you’re not in Delta Alpha Chi Kappa Phi, what are you even doing at Cornell?”
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