Op-Ed: If Warren Hall Existed, I Would Know Where it Was

Where is Warren Hall? What is Warren Hall? Why would I, a second semester senior in the prestigious College of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, an Ivy League university of the highest caliber (higher, even, than the frauds at Columbia), know where such a trivial, such an irrelevant, such a ridiculous building be located?

Woe are those who travel to such a forlorn abode. Is it hidden among the artificial dirt and bloodthirsty mechanical engineers on the rocky wasteland that is the Engineering Quad? Or perhaps it lies among the carnivorous trees and sinister gaze of Ezra Cornell on the Arts Quad? Does Warren Hall reside within the brutal communist soviet union-style buildings on my own dear quad, among the ILRies? How could I be amiss of such a place? Maybe Warren Hall exists only in my mind, a hallucination brought about by the endless white corridors I find myself wandering through every day on my journey to higher education.

It was last Wednesday that I learned of the existence of this accursed building when I was redirected from my own dear Ives Hall during a weekly discussion section of ILR 1452: Bizniz for Bizzy Boys. But by my nose! Where could this foul place be? I searched and searched through the familiar hills of this campus to no avail. Warren Hall was nowhere, or at least nowhere any suitable soul would travel. Five minutes into my treacherous search, I knew that Warren Hall could not be on campus for I was much too intelligent for it to elude me so thoroughly. Distraught, I walked and walked as far away as my legs would take me, past the familiar Tower Road intersection into a strange opening between Trillium and some undeveloped land. There, I found a miracle! A new quad, rich with wheat and plants, trees abundant with fruit. How could this place be? And thence, in this collegiate garden of Eden, I found the prize I sought: Warren Hall, glistening in the sun, forever unknown to man lest they venture east enough to the hidden paradise that is the Ag Quad.

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