GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—This Monday, exactly 20 years after the U.S. invasion of Iraq caused countless deaths, Cornell Republicans are celebrating this victory of conservative policy by declaring publicly that Morrison staff are preparing a weapon to destroy all of mankind.
“We have reliable intelligence that suggests Morrison stir fry is actually made with 95% enriched uranium,” alleged junior Reagan Smith. “This stir fry is a threat to our way of life as Cornellians. Of course, Okenshields also has stir fry, and has served it for years, but that was frankly very good and necessary to prevent a line of one hundred thousand Americans. Morrison stir fry, on the other hand, is a threat to West Campus civilization and must be stopped.”
The Cornell Republicans have provided an ultimatum to Cornell’s community, pledging to invade Morrison at midnight Thursday unless Cornell Dining took stir fry off the menu, replaced it with boiled, unseasoned mashed potatoes, and granted them veto power over the menu. Several student groups were asked to form an alliance, a request which confused various groups.
“The Republicans told us that if we didn’t join them in invading Morrison, we would be traitors to Western campus culture,” explained Jaques Dubois, president of Cornell’s French Society. “We told them that breaking into Morrison would violate the Student Code of Conduct, but they pointed out that the SCC was not legally binding and that they could do what they wanted. When we refused to join them, they demanded Cornell Dining take all French food off the menu.”
Sources within Cornell Republicans claimed to have swiped into Morrison and noticed they were not serving stir fry last night. This prompted the club to declare victory, but keep invasion forces ready in case it returns.