U.S. Congressman Comforted to Learn Not Even TikTok Can Connect to Campus Wifi

BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network.

“I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,” admitted Representative Jeff Lindell ‘85. “We were concerned student data might be being used to spark communism on campus. Fortunately, a thorough review found that it would be physically impossible for any phone application to connect to Eduroam. ” 

Cornell’s impenetrable virtual space is legendary among the cybersecurity community, with even the most skilled hackers failing to extract data from within it. No third-party attack on the network has ever succeeded, with all but the most sophisticated hackers giving up on the practice decades ago. Distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attacks, a common harassment tactic online, are ineffective against Cornell’s network, which virtually always denies service to its users anyway.

“It is a top priority for us that the Chinese Communist Party cannot view any of our student data,” explained President Martha Pollack. “If they ever got a look at just how many of our best and brightest regularly search for antidepressants and Ryan Lombardi fanfiction within the same minute, I have no doubt they’d declare war on us within the hour. Frankly, after a cursory review of student internet usage, I was tempted to expel every enrolled student we have and just start over.”

At time of writing, email requests for comment to other important figures in this debate failed to send.

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