Unclear if Rich Friend Describing Spring Break Plans or Reciting Lyrics to The Beach Boys’ “Kokomo”

COLLEGETOWN—While discussing spring break plans with friend and noted wealthy person Martin Elias ‘24, Maia Robertson ‘23 noted a striking semblance between the former’s lengthy list of tropical destinations and the set of Caribbean islands referenced in The Beach Boys’ 1988 #1 hit “Kokomo.”

“He mentioned Aruba, and I thought, ‘okay, that’s pretty conventional for a rich dude on spring break,’ but I got suspicious when he started talking about Jamaica,” said Robertson. “I kind of tuned out after that, but I kept getting these snippets—the Bahamas? Key Largo?—that were all just weirdly specific. Wait, didn’t he mention Puerto Rico? That’s not in the song, I don’t think. And Bermuda wasn’t on the list, so… although I guess he might have just misremembered the lyrics. Wouldn’t it be nice if I knew for sure.”

While Robertson acknowledged it would be nice to live like the jet-setting Elias, she planned to remain in Ithaca over break to pick up additional shifts at her PetSmart job. Despite his occasionally ostentatious displays of wealth, however, she still defended her friend’s character.

“He’s a good guy, really—just a little out of touch,” explained Robertson. “He’s a hell of a lot better of a person than ‘Kokomo’ is a song, that’s for sure. Not that that’s saying much, though. ‘Kokomo’ fucking sucks.”

At press time, fucking “Kokomo” was still stuck in Robertson’s head.

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