MILSTEIN HALL—Students across campus are in revolt after the Archies’ latest creation was revealed to be a complete fucking nottie compared to the babe from Shrek (2001).
‘Nobody can compete with the dragon from Shrek. Nobody,” said self-described “normal guy” Kevin Lancaster ‘25, completely unprompted. “I mean, those scales can’t stop me from squeezing her hips like a tube of toothpaste while she tops me from the highest room in the tallest tower. Every time she gives Donkey ‘the look’ behind those perfectly laid lashes I get harder than Shrek’s journey of self-acceptance. Not even love’s true form could make an uggo like the Archie dragon half as sexy as Shrek’s little lust lizard.”
Although a devastating letdown for students horny for horns, the Ithaca 5 iguana may spell dire consequences for the College of Architecture and the university as a whole.
“This ugly dragon shames us all,” announced AAP dean Meejin Yoon. “When people think of Cornell Architecture, they think of dragon women with thighs like Christmas hams, and we’re all craving pork. Instead we’ve been given a reptile less fuckable than the Geico gecko. Clearly Archies cannot be trusted with their single day out of the studio. Effective immediately, I’m adding three more years to the B.Arch program until students can be trusted to give good dragussy.”
At press time, students concluded that if they turned all the lights off they’d still let the Archie dragon hit.
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