BECKLEY, WV—Remarking, “Isn’t that just something,” hometown resident and former classmate Ethel Dinah expressed her disbelief that despite your educational pedigree, you are both employed by the same Little Caesar’s off Main.
“You were so proud of getting into that high class school in New York–what did you say it was called again, Columbia? Well, it sounded really expensive. Did you have to go into a lot of debt to afford that?” she asked, showing the same disregard for your privacy as when she asked if you were a virgin on the first day of sophomore English class in 2016. “I’m sure it’s nothing you can’t pay off after a few years working here. New hires make a whole dollar above minimum wage. Once you’ve worked here four years like I have, you can even make $11 an hour! Crazy how even though you went to that fancy college, I’m still making more money than you, isn’t it?” she said before launching into a story about her high school boyfriend, a National Guard recruiter who she became engaged to four months after graduation.
Dinah, who vomited all over a booth at the Waffle House after senior prom because she snuck in a water bottle filled with Everclear and who only just graduated high school after begging the biology teacher to raise her F to a C- the second time she took the class, continued to reflect on how unbelievable it is that you two are now coworkers.
“Once you got into that school of yours, I was sure I was never gonna see you again. You worked so hard throughout high school–you never enjoyed yourself one minute. You thought if you could just get into a good college, your life would finally work itself out.You always said you were gonna be the one to make it out of this shithole. And now look at you–right back where you started, at the very same Little Caesar’s! I guess it just goes to show–there’s no place like Beckley, West Virginia!”
You could not be reached for comment because you were busy sobbing into an order of Hot ‘n’ Ready Crazy Bread.