SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. 

“I remember he was the first person in line,” recalled dining hall employee Tara Daniels ‘23. “He was talking to the kid behind him about how he couldn’t sleep the night before because he was so excited. Then he took out seventy-two dollars in cash and asked to buy two of each ‘flavor?’ He made me put them in his green takeout container, which I thought was odd.”

Kesky’s roommate reported that when Kesky returned that evening with his tickets, he took great care in sorting them in his fridge where he left them for the remainder of the week, occasionally opening the door to gaze at them.

However, today, with Slope Day a mere 24 hours away, Kesky made a heart-breaking discovery.

“I wanted to save them all for Slope Day like I was supposed to, but I just couldn’t resist,” explained Kesky, his voice trembling. “I took a small nibble of the BBQ Beef Brisket Slider ticket, but it didn’t really taste anything like beef brisket, so I ate the whole thing to be sure and it tasted like PAPER! I thought it might have just been defective, so I ate the rest of my tickets and they ALL tasted like paper! I can’t believe the Slope Day Programming Board managed to screw this up too.” 

At press time, Kesky, having spent all his money on defective food tickets, couldn’t even afford to buy “those regular tickets that you exchange for food.”

Like This!