President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff

DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him do everything that seems kinda difficult.”

“President Pollack seemed to struggle with what our jobs were,” recalled Adya Henlow ‘24. “She kept telling us about the ‘importance of proper delegation,’ but when we explained that we were trying to unionize in order to make sure we were all getting paid the right amount, it seemed to really get through to her,” continued Henlow. “She said she ‘basically did the same thing’ with a bunch of other university presidents each time they had to admit new students. I was excited to finally find some common ground but her lawyer cut her off super quickly.”

When the delegation attempted to explain the numerous labor law violations Starbucks was commiting by closing the stores for unionizing, Pollack was taken aback, halting the meeting. “Oh my god! I can’t believe it, more of this ILR school bullshit. I can’t stand this stuff,” exclaimed Pollack. “But this is exactly what I’m talking about, watch what I do here. Ryan! Ry-aaaan! Get in here.” After Vice President Lombardi explained to Pollack that only she was authorized to make the kinds of decisions being discussed and that he was not willing to put on a pantsuit and wig, the meeting was able to resume.

Negotiations stalled once more, however, after President Pollack took issue with the hiring of a new coffee provider for the on-campus eateries, as she could not believe that “you guys actually eat the food here?”

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