MORRISON DINING—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted Saturday staffing Toni Morrison Dining Hall, as services across campus continue to function at a limited capacity due to the ongoing UAW workers’ strike. His presence prompted speculation from students, faculty, and striking workers alike– was he simply posturing as an everyman, or mounting a proverbial attack on the picket line? According to Kotlikoff, “My real desire is simple: I just love submerging myself in grody foodstuffs.”
The president was insistent that his only motivation was “a yearning to feel slimy chicken skin and baby carrots betwixt [his] fingertips”, and that any appearance of antagonism towards striking workers was purely coincidental.
“Actually, I’m stoked about the strike,” explained Kotlikoff. “The nastier the food is, the better the heebie-jeebies I get from scooping up handfuls of glop and letting them trickle down my arms into the serving trays… man, I sure do hope no one’s negotiating with the union while I’m gone. I want this wonderful feeling to last!”
At press time, Kotlikoff neglected to comment, as he was busy making snow angels in an enormous vat of mac & cheese.
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