Nooz Explains: How To Sneak Your Homeless Goldfish into Level B

410 EDDY ST— Just won a goldfish from the State Fair, but don’t have anywhere to put it? Was the fish you brought from home evicted from its luxurious >10 gallon tank by cruel and vindictive university policy? Fear not! The staff at CU Nooz have assembled a step-by-step guide on how to find your aquatic pet a new residence, made possible by the time-honored Wednesday tradition of Level B fishbowls.

-Step 1: Acquire a Fake ID

Most bars will not accept a goldfish under the legal drinking age. Fortunately, a large black market exists for the acquisition of goldfish fakes, and they are sometimes less expensive than human ones! Contact a representative from Fishy Fakes (“Nothing Fishy About ‘Em!”™) and put in an order today. We recommend choosing Hawaii for the state– it’s surrounded by water, which makes it especially convincing.

-Step 2: Skip the Line

A typical Wednesday night brings a queue of hundreds of 21-year-old first-years crowding the subterranean entrance to Level B. They can be easily dispersed with lies such as “There’s no line at Hideaway” or “They’re giving away free beer at the annexes– and it’s NOT Keystone Light!” If a group seems to have pregamed especially hard, gently suggest that Wings Over is just down the street and watch them wander away in a famished daze.

-Step 3: Offer Business Advice

Once you have gained entry, leave your goldfish to socialize and make your way behind the bar. Introduce yourself as a distinguished entrepreneur from Cornell University (“You might have heard of it…”) and tell the bartender you have a cost-cutting suggestion for them– fill their fishbowls with water instead of alcohol, and rely on a combination of the placebo effect and peer pressure to make their patrons think they’re still getting drunk. Because you attend such an elite university, the staff will surely heed your sage advice.

-Step 4: Profit?

Return to your table with a fresh bowl to find someone has swallowed your goldfish.