Freshman Roommate Shows True Colors, Suddenly “Not A Fan” Of Chain-Smoking

DONLON HALL—Many students look back on their freshman roommates fondly, with memories of smiles, shenanigans, and stressful study weeks where they realize they’d rather room with someone else. However, serial-smoker Max Monroe ‘28 found that his roommate’s vibe was grumpier than he expected.

The pair had gotten along well online, but during move-in day, everything changed. “He moves in, and suddenly he’s a total douche about me smoking two packs of cigs a day. Like, sorry man, but it’s my half of the room.”

For his part, James Page ‘28 claimed he’s something called an “asthmatic,” and that Monroe had outright lied on his roommate survey. “He told me that he didn’t smoke, went to bed at midnight, and wouldn’t invite anyone over,” Page complained. “Last night, he invited a dozen people at 2 AM to smoke with him.”

After realizing that their walls developed the same sickly yellow shade of a room in Low Rise 7, Page finally confronted Monroe in couples therapy, with a tearful plea. “I just feel suffocated in the toxic cloud of chemicals that’s currently hovering over our room.”

Monroe didn’t respond well, saying, “He was being a controlling narcissist the entire time… not everything is about how he can’t ‘breathe’ due to his ‘asthma’. But I miss the old Page, the one that wasn’t constantly wheezing, so I switched to Zyns.” Monroe opened his mouth to reveal a line of nicotine pouches lining his gums, outnumbering his teeth twice fold.

Page was still not happy, noting that Monroe was moving onto other addictions, like cocaine and doomscrolling Sidechat.