New Top Load Washers Claim First Victim

DONLON HALL—What started as a routine laundry day quickly turned into a spin cycle of chaos when Jacob Yates ‘28 found himself headfirst in the dorm’s new top-load washing machine. Yates was attempting to retrieve “the world’s most elusive sock” when he leaned in too far and fell squarely into the machine’s dark grasp.

Yates was finally pulled from his deep, dark, detergent, dungeon by concerned bystanders who were ironically more effective at rescue operations than the top loader was at washing. 

Following the incident, Yates shares he’ll be reallocating his laundry time for other possible ventures “I’ve heard of getting lost in the spin cycle before, but this was a whole new level. I’m officially done with the laundry drama. Maybe I’ll take up knitting or maybe basket weaving, anything that keeps me undoubtedly upright”

The incident has reignited student debate about the administration’s decision to replace the front-loaders. “I miss the front-loaders,” said Sarah Bailey ‘27. “Sure, they smelled like mildew half the time, but at least they didn’t try to eat you.”

In response, campus officials have promised to review the safety of the top-load machines and may even reinstate “Washing Machine Safety 101” during freshman orientation. For now, students are advised to “keep both feet firmly on the ground and out of the machines.” 

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