SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Unbeknownst to all but the Daily Sun’s four dedicated readers, Cornell Football suffered a loss last Saturday in their opening match against Colgate University. However, the team was “comforted” by the “complete lack of interest or attention from the student body,” said head coach Dan Swanstrom. As a result, players were dismayed to learn early this morning that their second match against Yale would, in fact, be played before a crowd of spectators.
“What the hell is all this ‘Homecoming’ shit?!” demanded tight end Rufus “Helmet” McCloskey ‘25. “What’s next? Do we have to play at Prom too?” Rufus and the other boys in red quickly formulated a plan to deal with the unprecedented influx of temporary fans.
“Look! Over there!” Shouted outside linebacker Billy Bennett ‘26, gesticulating wildly to draw the attention of the crowd. “A beloved local festival celebrating fresh-picked produce!” He pointed towards Campus Road, where several of his teammates were holding up signs and juggling colorful fruits.
As the match unfolded, Cornell Football demonstrated a newfound strength, speed, and team cohesion, working their way through a repertoire of carefully rehearsed misdirection plays. “Vector formation! Hop to fair catch cross right!” Shouted Swanstrom into his headset– seconds later, the quarterback came tearing out of the throng of players with an enormous red arrow hoisted above his head, pointing in the opposite direction from the scoreboard.
Oohs and aahs could be heard from the stands as players assembled themselves into a human pyramid, performed card tricks, and made funny faces for the crowd. At halftime, a delighted audience of drunken students had not yet noticed that the score was 0-63.
“I never thought we’d have to play in front of people,” admitted McCloskey, “but we’re killing it out there! The whole team is working like a well-oiled machine; we’re executing plays better than ever before. Maybe we’d be better off as a theater troupe than a football team.” At Swanstrom’s urging, McCloskey ran back to the middle of the field and began doing the worm to a chorus of cheers.
Halftime ended with a commotion when Interim President Kotlikoff, lured by the talk of apples, scurried across the field in search of a fresh fruit to cleave betwixt his incisors.
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