Natural Selection? Slowest Freshman in Pack Trampled by Cornell Run Club

ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made him an easy target, quickly consumed by the hungry endorphin addicts.

“Look, I’m sorry to Eli or whatever. But I’m more just glad it wasn’t me. The rules are simple. If you see the Cornell running club coming, you must remind those in your immediate vicinity. After that, all bets are off. Usually, I have to push someone over. It’s a runner-eat-normal person world here,” explained Shamus.

Cornell Running Club Representative Aaron Ulman ’26 sought to set the facts straight. “I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. We don’t ‘trample kids on purpose’ or whatever crazy stuff we’re being accused of. We simply choose to run on the most populated paths during the least opportune times to inconvenience as many people as possible. It’s not my fault that you happen to be in my way as 30 of my closest friends and I run full speed directly at you.”

Golden could not be reached for comment due to nursing a bruised ego and scraped knee. Sources say he is considering joining Cornell Running club to get into shape, improve his speed, and make some new friends.