LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick parka, unbefitting both his style, and the incoming high of 82°.
“It’s like watching a penguin die from heat exhaustion in slow motion,” claimed friend, Susan Walth ‘27, who was watching from the top of the slope with a pair of bird-watching binoculars. “It’s 46° right now, but I’m expecting a 10° increase by the time he reaches the halfway point.”
Halfway across the Arts Quad, Dylan tripped, splashing pools of sweat onto the growing crowd of spectators. The vacuous moron attempted to apologize, but his mouth was dry in the 62° weather, and he could only sputter out bone-chilling gasps and wheezes.
“This willfully ignorant fuck needs to be stopped,” claims local meteorologist Parker Bell ‘96. “If we condone this behavior, what will he wear next? Raincoats during a drought? Shorts during mildly chilly weather? The more humanity tempts fate, the more we risk the wrath of nature.”
Dylan slowly made his way onto Tower Road as the thermometer turned 81°, when the obtuse cretin lamented, “Huh, it’s getting warm today.” Unfortunately, the damage was already done. Complaints of an odoriferous smell implied that the witless imbecile had also forgotten to wear deodorant.
Looking back, Dylan claims his only mistake was that he “maybe should have bought a bus pass instead.”
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