LYNAH RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.”
“JOSH RILEY’S AMERICA!” screamed rising YouTube star and part-time incumbent Congressman Marc Molinaro’s X account mere hours after the incident. “Demoncrats like Riley want to take your social security money and give it to these CANADIAN GANGS,” Molinaro continued, further adding “those push-over Canadians are stealing YOUR jobs!”
While Republicans, like Molinaro, have raised serious concerns about the influx of migrants at our northern border, many who have met the would-be escapees tell a different story. “Honestly, I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” questioned Cornell goalie James Hatfield ‘25. “Those ‘Canadians’ are real generous guys, one offered me some powdered looking dough he said was ‘Timmies.’ Ate it, thought it was an edible. Chill dudes.”
Asked whether or not they wished to remain in the US, an anonymous member of the “University of Toronto,” replied “I don’t mean to be rude, but heck no.”
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