“Can I be Gru?” Asks Short, Yellow, One-Eyed Friend with No Self-Awareness

NORTH CAMPUS—Excitement is in the air as students across campus eagerly await Halloween and solidify their weekend plans. As is tradition, the fractured remains of freshman friend groups will once again unite to form the tried-and-true group costume. However, the tedious process of delegating roles within a group costume is often likened to a Sisyphean task.

In a friend group with a healthy, functioning dynamic, costumes are intuitive: the tallest member of the group could dress up as Luigi, the shortest as Mario, and the awkward outsider everyone else secretly despises gets stuck with Waluigi.

Unfortunately, Halloween preparation isn’t always so simple. One freshman clique, after deciding to dress up as characters from Despicable Me, found themselves unable to agree on who should assume the lead role. “Can I be Gru?” asked the one-eyed, three-foot-tall and unmistakably banana-colored Kevin Stuart ‘28, hoping to play the part of an imposing, brooding supervillain.

After exchanging furtive glances over the head of Stuart, Sara Jacobs ‘28 tentatively suggested that he might be better suited as a Minion, in part because “you’re already wearing the denim overalls.”

Stuart appeared unbothered by the rejection. “I could have pulled it off, but I get it, I haven’t quite hit the six foot mark yet,” he reasoned. “If I don’t have a growth spurt, I’ll probably go as a smurf next year.”