HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega Omega have decided that, instead of hosting, they are going to play the long game.
“We’re seeing an untapped market here,” explained President Gentry Lancaster ‘25. “The weekend’s, like, days away, but Halloween is TONIGHT. If we can get some of these trick-or-treaters interested in what we have to offer, we’ll have our pledge class of ‘35 locked in in no time.”
“It’s a little weird to me,” admitted Cora Bennett ‘26. “I know some of these frats are trying to reform their culture; I just feel like preying on children is a step in the wrong direction.” Nonetheless, after some thought, she conceded that it was preferable to them throwing. “Those Halloween decorations always freak me out,” said Bennett. “There’s nothing scarier than a group of straight men attempting interior decoration.”
The Cornell Interfraternity Council briefly struck back at Phi Omega Omega for providing addictive substances to elementary schoolers, but their fears were swiftly assuaged by the protests of trick-or-treaters. “Yeah, I’m twying to quit my vape anyway,” said Charlie Twist, a five-and-a-half year old dressed as Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson.
“It’s not like we’re hazing them. Think of it as community outreach!” protested the fraternity president. “Listen, part of being in a frat is you and your brothers supporting each other through the same struggles. That’s, like, the definition of brotherhood. Our nicotine withdrawals just bring us closer together.”
By this point, the sun had begun to set, and a stream of trick-or-treaters were making their way down the street, timidly knocking on doors. As Lancaster watched, a teenage boy in a Michael Myers mask shoved several small children out of his path, leapt onto the porch, and swiped the entire basket. “God DAMMIT!” shouted the incensed brother, shaking his fist. “We didn’t even need to recruit that kid! We had him fast-tracked for rush already!”
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