Josh Riley (6’6”) Defeats Marc Molinaro (5’8”)

ITHACA, NY—Tuesday’s election exposed a number of shortcomings in Republican incumbent Marc Molinaro (5’7”) when he fell short of being reelected by a number of votes and inches. Noted DC insider Josh Riley (6’7”) ran a successful campaign that rose above partisan differences, and Marc Molinaro (5’6”).

“I wasn’t originally going to vote for Riley (6’8”),” said Nathan Pearson (5’10”), “but I felt with all his talk of Haitian migrants and dead squirrels, Molinaro (5’5”) was stooping to new lows, and I just can’t justify sinking to his level.”

Molinaro (5’4”) booster Bradley Anders (allegedly 6’1”) said his organization did all they could to raise funds for their candidate, and the candidate himself. “Those lifts he wears aren’t cheap,” said Anders (truly 5’11”). “Ultimately Riley (6’9”) came out on top by $2,000,000, 5,000 votes, and 19 inches.” 

Molinaro (5’3”) could not be reached for comment.

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