STEWART AVE—Friendsgiving is always a trying time for friend groups with slightly incompetent friends. After all, trusting total strangers to prepare food is worrisome enough, but trusting your idiot friends is a whole other worry entirely. This Friendsgiving, one friend group in particular, faced newfound terrors as their most literal friend, Emily A. Bedelia ‘26, declared that she would be bringing a hand-stuffed turkey.
The event was going swimmingly at first, according to Carly Ritz ‘26, until Bedelia arrived.
“So sorry I’m late, girls. I’m looking after my little brother this weekend and I just had to put him down before I came,” explained Bedelia after arriving.
“Aw, so he’s taking a nap now?” asked one of the girls.
“What?” replied Bedelia, setting out her dish.
Shrieks of horror abounded as Bedelia began to back the blistered skin of the broiled turkey carcass to unleash a stench so foul that even the dog began to whimper.
“W-what did you say you brought again?” asked a fearful Ritz.
“I already told you, silly. I brought a hand-stuffed turkey!” replied Bedelia.
“Emily A. Bedelia. Y-you do know that hand-stuffed means stuffed by hand, and not stuffed WITH hands, yes?” another girl tentatively asked.
“What?” replied Bedelia, carving her turkey.
At press time, Bedelia was asked to leave the Friendsgiving after offering the girls “breast or thigh meat?”
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