HANS BETHE HOUSE—Students flocked back to campus today, marking the end of Thanksgiving break. For most it was restful. For many students, however, Thanksgiving means a dreaded reunion with humankind’s most resented relatives: uncles.
“I have twelve uncles,” said Ethan Doherty ‘27. “It’s hard to keep track of which ones are normal because everyone wears hunting camo now. Last year, they wouldn’t shut up about how slavery isn’t real. This year they’re claiming vaccines cause slavery. It makes no sense.”
Doherty’s Thanksgiving is unfortunately very familiar to many Cornellians, with students reporting a sharp increase in racist uncles in the past four years. Doherty’s roommate, Isaac Nielsen ‘27, echoed his roommate’s grievances.
“My Uncle Donny is always obsessed with some ridiculous thing,” said Nielsen. “It’s exhausting trying to talk to him. It’s like he lives on a different planet. He’s always, like, buying a tuba, or, like, playing the tuba.”
Doherty, in response to Nielsen’s Thanksgiving, observed that his uncles never expressed interest in the tuba.
Nielsen continued: “It’s always ‘oh when the saints’ this, and ‘go marching in’ that. Like come on. That’s a song for the trumpet. Nobody wants to hear just a tuba. Thanksgiving used to be about gratitude. It seems like nowadays all we talk about is the opening to Tom Jones’ ‘What’s New Pussycat.’ Which again, is a trumpet song, not a tuba song.”
Doherty and Nielsen are just some of many students affected by radicalized uncles. Many students feel that having family divided by differing beliefs makes it difficult to give thanks and celebrate the holidays.
“I wish we could find a way to enjoy each other’s company in spite of our beliefs,” said Doherty. “But that’s hard to do when it feels like your family doesn’t respect everyone’s right to exist.”
Nielsen added, “Yeah, and the bwomp BWAMP bwomp BWAMP is getting really annoying.”
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