“I Hate Appel’s Dinner” Says Freshman Who Will Live on Cold Hot Dogs in 2 Years

ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall.

“Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally routine” salad from the salad bar, choosing from over 15 fresh ingredients and five different dressings. “It’s just so annoying to have to choose from such a limited selection of hundreds and hundreds of dollars’ worth of food every day for dinner.”

“I mean, I can barely even call this dinner,” said the student who will, by the beginning of his fifth semester, consider free popcorn from Willard-Straight a meal.

“I hate the dining halls,” complained Davis, who will eventually eat nothing but his signature Mac & Cheese, Tuna, and Ketchup pièce de résistance by his senior year.

Students Organize Carwash to Support Suffering Residents of High and Low Rise Community

SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls.

“We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show our support for the community- and have fun doing it,” stated Mews Residence Hall Director Jeannine Crouse Hagadorn, backed by CKB Residence Hall Director Imani Allen and the Hall Councils of both new, clean state-of-the-art building complexes.

Crouse Hagadorn claims that the money raised from the carwash will be used to make “positive, cheerful greeting cards” to send to the suffering residents, along with care packages and Cornell teddy bears “to keep hopes up” if the fundraising event is a huge success. “It would be really special if we could buy Low Rise #6 a Pool Table, even if it’s a mini one,” added Allen.

The carwash will be held during Parent’s Weekend along Rawlings Green. “This way,” claimed CKB Hall Council member Lindsey Barnes, “we can take advantage of the influx of cars on campus, and show our parents how we give back to the community.”

Barnes added that she was “on the verge of tears” when her friend from Low Rise #7 told her that the building’s indoor temperature was not constant throughout the day or seasons, and hopes this carwash will “really make a change in the lives of those less fortunate.”

Three Top Administrators to Leave This Year Probably Know Something We Don’t

DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t.

“This can’t be a coincidence,” said a visibly unnerved Vice President Antonio M. Gotto while frantically packing up everything in his office.

“Skorton, Murphy, and Fuchs must be keeping something from us. There is a conspiracy here and it runs much higher than either you or I can fathom. This place must be a sinking ship and I’m getting out while I still can.”

At press time, newly appointed President Elizabeth Garrett was working on her veil of enthusiasm while preparing to run what she called “a lost cause.”

Student Takes Quick Break From Netflix to Study, Be Productive

FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study.

“She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by studying for her tests and completing assignments.” Other close acquaintances of Galder expressed positive feelings about her brief period of productivity, explaining how the diligent Sophomore had been having difficulty fitting both ‘Maleficent’ and ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ into a single night, and were relieved to know that Galder was finding time to work on her required assignments.

Galder’s roommate continued, “Allison has really been going on about how stressed she is the upcoming release of season two of Orange is the New Black, and it’s great that she found time to relax and do something like work on homework.”

Club Surfing Looks to Rebuild After Losing Captain, Only Member

BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated last spring.

Stolar remarked, “I think once kids realize how willing the university is to spend their money on whatever we ask for, they’ll be lining up,” when asked about the legacy of the team. “One weekend, Cornell bought me a ticket to Cancun for an invitational. I barely made it past the first round of qualifiers, but I got hammered on rum and Coronas for three nights, which was pretty sick. If that isn’t ‘Any person, Any study’, I don’t know what is.”

Stolar will attend Washington University in the fall, where he plans to earn a PhD in Oceanography.

SA President Busy Rehearsing Speech for Trustees to Ignore

STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore.

Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and moving as possible before spending an additional four hours memorizing it. Balik is preparing to deliver the speech to the Board this weekend, where the Board will spend approximately ten to twelve seconds considering Balik’s carefully chosen words before ignoring them altogether.

“Did I leave the heat on in my penthouse?” Chairman Robert S. Harrison will ask himself as Balik passionately appeals to the basic human empathy she thinks the trustees possess. “I hope so. I don’t want it to be cold when I get back.”

During the climax of Balik’s meticulously crafted speech, Board member Patricia E. Harris will drift off and make a scene by almost falling out of her seat.

By the time Balik will have retaken her seat, confident in having influenced the decisions of the Board, the trustees will have already forgotten her name and why she came to the meeting.

TakeNote to Offer New TakeExam Services

SPONSORED POST:  From now until November 16, go to www.tnote.com and enter the code “CUNooz” for $5 off your purchase.

COLLEGETOWN – Supplemental course note provider TakeNote has announced it will begin offering a TakeExam service, in which TakeNote employees will take prelims and finals for students at a predetermined price.

“We are confident that TakeExam will improve our customers grades even more than our note-taking service,” said a company representative, explaining that all tests would be taken by pre-approved exam-takers who had previously earned an A or better in the class in question.

The representative explained that TakeNote had identified a major deficiency in its effectiveness, as simply supplying notes did not guarantee high grades for students. “The success of our notes must still pass through the effort of the students themselves,” he said.

TakeNote considered a number of options to increase its effectiveness such as hiring more attentive notetakers or adding references for further research. “In the end, we found that simply changing the students themselves showed the greatest grade increases.”

When asked about how the organization planned on bypassing Cornell’s Code of Academic Integrity, the representative asked, “What’s that?”

This article is sponsored by TakeNote. TakeExam service is pending, but the discount is for real. 

Cornell Football Loses to Grace Potter and Icona Pop in Homecoming Game

SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop.

“I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a Swedish DJ duo, and we simply were the worse team today,” stated Cornell football coach David Archer ’05, who had tried to softly lower his players’ expectations before the Homecoming game which seemed to be mismatched from the start.

“I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty big Icona Pop fan. ‘I Don’t Care’ is just so catchy! But yeah, those girls really destroyed us out there. You just can’t win football games when a 31-year old Grace Potter is marauding around the field, brutally tackling all of your players,” continued Archer.

Coach Archer was later seen telling his team to forget about the loss, and think back to more positive times such as last year’s Homecoming game when they defeated long-time rival Ke$ha.

Senior Chalks Up Alcohol Withdrawal Headache to “Lack of Sleep”

ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep.

“Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every night for the last five nights and his symptoms of alcohol withdrawal.

“I wonder if I should start working out,” he said to himself as he began planning his dinner for that night, automatically including a beer or four.

 

Seeking to Cultivate Bad-Boy Image, Skorton Smokes Within 10ft of Vent Intake

WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.”

This incident is the most recent in a string of rebellious acts by Skorton. Over the last month, President Skorton began to act out against some rules around campus, citing a desire to “change his image” before his departure this spring. Other incidents have included failing to approve his Kronos timecard before the deadline, parading around North Campus playing loud music a half hour into quiet hours, and taking more than one piece of fruit from campus dining halls. “I’ve always wondered how my time here at Cornell will be remembered, and I was worried that people might think I was too boring, too conformist,” explained Skorton.

“People call it a lame duck stage, but I just asked myself, you know…” He paused and took a long drag on his cigarette before blowing it directly towards an air intake vent. “Why can’t it be a radical duck?”