Author Archives: Nooz Staff

OP-ED: I’ve Been President Three Times and All I Get Is a Piece of Grass?!

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RAWLINGS GREEN— So today is the final day that I’m going to be President of Cornell. Believe it or not, I’ve had this exact same thought twice before. It’s been a great three rides and an incredible experience being able to lead such a wonderful University, but even after all Read More

“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 12:  Former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney talks about his wife Lynne Cheney's book "James Madison: A Life Reconsidered" May 12, 2014 in Washington, DC. The Cheneys spoke at the American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research.  (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like Read More

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

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After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer. “Cornell Read More

Senior Chemical Engineer Excited For Fulfilling Career Making Processed Cheese

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OLIN HALL—With graduation just around the corner, ChemE Abe Duncan ‘17 eagerly anticipates starting his job as a process engineer at Kraft Singles Cheese Plant in Springfield, Missouri. “After four years of grueling advanced science courses, hours upon hours spent completing problem sets, and somehow surviving Thermo, I’m super excited Read More

OP-ED: I Get My Fruit From the Farmer’s Market and That Makes Me Fresher Than You

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AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying Read More

Archie Shaves Head to Cope with Tournament Loss

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RAND HALL—After her third all-nighter this week and upon learning that her major lost to Chemical Engineering in the Major Cornell Major Tournament, Sharon Yang, Architecture ‘20, let out a primal scream, impulsively grabbed the nearest pair of scissors, and cut off her right braid. “Dragon dragon dragon! Oy oy Read More

Barbara Knuth Seen Stuffing Hundreds of “Yes” Grad Union Ballots into Pockets

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CALDWELL HALL—Following the announcement that yesterday’s graduate students’ union vote was inconclusive, allegedly due to dozens of unresolved ballots, Senior Vice Provost and Dean of the Graduate School Barbara Knuth was reportedly seen today stuffing hundreds of confirmed “yes” ballots into her pockets. “Let’s see those grad students try to Read More