Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Cornell Students Announce Intentions to Get Drunk on Slope Day Regardless of Which Bands Are Performing

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Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are. “I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, Read More

Cornell Ranked Among Top Three Universities in Tompkins County

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DAY HALL — Scoring three out of four stars, Cornell University was again ranked in the top three in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2017 List of Best Universities in Tompkins County. “It’s definitely a testament to the quality of the faculty and dining options we are proud to Read More

Lacrosse Team Announces Record Number of Players Named “Griff”

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SCHOELLKOPF FIELD –– Ahead of the 2017 spring campaign, Varsity Lacrosse Head Coach Matt Kerwick announced in a press conference that this year’s team has an unprecedented number of players with the name “Griff.” “Griff, Griffith, Griffin, Griffyn, and Griffen are all integral members of the team,” said Coach Kerwick. Read More

Money That Could Have Paid Off Student Loans Spent On Photography Hobby

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BEEBE LAKE – Steadily accumulating a debt of over $100,000 over four years, Junior History major Landon Hearn has recently begun spending money that could pay off his mounting student loans on his new photography hobby. “I got a new camera and a pretty cool tripod, so I’m probably gonna Read More

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

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WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two. “It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% Read More

REPORT: Lectures Most Productive When Spent Doing Homework For Other Class

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URIS HALL — In a recent study from the Cornell Psychology department, the vast majority of university students are found to be most productive during lectures when they are doing homework for other classes. “The data suggest that, instead of paying attention to philosophy or economics professors, a student’s time Read More

Government Class Hoping Conservative Student Says Something They Can Really Tear Into

at the University of Wisconsin-Madison on Sept. 2, 2014. (Photo by Bryce Richter / UW-Madison)

MCGRAW HALL — During a discussion on federal influence on the implementation of local policies, a lecture hall full of Government majors sat waiting in gleeful anticipation, ready to combat a conservative student’s views as he began to answer a question. “I kept waiting to rip him apart for saying Read More

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

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COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to Read More