Author Archives: Nooz Staff

Medieval Studies Department Hyped Out Of Their Fucking Minds For Game Of Thrones Premiere

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Citing the immense cliffhangers and high stakes in the wake of last season, the entire Medieval Studies department is going absolutely fucking mental for the Game of Thrones season 8 premiere. Omar Alberen ‘20, a Medieval Studies major, has been in full Night’s Watch regalia for weeks and Read More

Cornell Club of Manhattan Confused Why More Severely In-Debt Students Not Joining

NEW YORK CITY—A recent analysis of Cornell Club membership applications found that Cornell’s impoverished recent graduates haven’t been purchasing expensive memberships to the upscale Manhattan club, for some unknown reason. “What could possibly be keeping them from Cornell Club’s countless fine dining and fitness programs?” asked Riley Schwartz, a manager Read More

Environmentally Conscious Student Reuses Condom For Two Months

COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, Read More

Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had Read More

Student Won’t Stop Bragging About his Back of Mezzanine Tickets for Eric Andre

STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed Read More

Enthusiastic A Capella VP of Operations Just Wants to be Liked

Photo by Bowen Hou

URIS HALL— The VP of Operations for Cornell’s Scales Acapella, Crystal Rojas ’21, confirmed she just wants people to like her, showing her love with twelve reminder emails about her survey. “I’m so grateful to be on E-board, and even happier to be your friend,” said Rojas, completely unaware of Read More

Devoted Cornell Hockey Fan Confused why Lynah Parking Lot Was Full on Sunday

Boris Tsang/Cornell Daily Sun

LYNAH RINK—During last Sunday’s ECAC Women’s Hockey Championship, dedicated Cornell hockey fan Dylan Holmes ‘20 was utterly bewildered as to why the Lynah Rink parking garage was full despite there not being a single men’s hockey game scheduled. “It was crazy. Maybe there was a baseball tournament or something? I Read More