April 29, 2025
Headlines

Administration

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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Report: ‘Interim’ Boyfriend Still Unlikely to Go Official

Nooz Staff02 mins

DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…

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University Establishes Tusk Force to Buy a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants

Nooz Staff01 mins

DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…

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Cornell Union Busting Allegations Assuaged by 4–1 Hockey Loss

Nooz Staff02 mins

LYNAH RINK—Big Red Men’s Ice Hockey’s 4–1 loss to Union College was a relief for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, who has faced criticism for a recent statement regarding the University’s ongoing negotiations with Cornell Graduate Students United (CGSU). “The notion that Cornell engages in ‘Union busting’ is ridiculous,” Kotlikoff wrote in an email sent shortly…

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OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

Nooz Staff03 mins

MY APARTMENT—I was thinking, like, wow, we’ve known each other for so long, and I’d like for us to get closer. There’s this unspoken bond between us, where I write articles about you, and you don’t really acknowledge them because flirting with a student “isn’t appropriate”, but I know you enjoy the attention.  I remember…

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Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

Nooz Staff03 mins

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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Expressive Activity Policy Updated with Provisions for “Acceptable White Hood Size” and “Torch Specifications”

Nooz Staff04 mins

DAY HALL—In a conference with worried parents on Monday, Cornell administration outlined the steps it is taking to ensure that campus protests do not endanger the student body. To ease concerns, Vice President Ryan Lombardi rolled out a new set of provisions under the Interim Expressive Activity Policy aimed at making campus safer.  “We value…

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Happy Fall! Cornell Financial Aid Debuts New Pumpkin Spice-Themed Loan Increase

Nooz Staff04 mins

DAY HALL—It’s officially autumn, which can only mean one thing: everything is orange now! In every store in the country, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice Oreos, and pumpkin spice cheesecake fill the shelves– and it’s not just stores. The Cornell University Financial Aid Office is also getting in on the fall fun, debuting a new…

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