April 30, 2025
Headlines

Politics

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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Hundreds of Miscreant Agitators Occupying Arts Quad Without Activity Permit

Nooz Staff03 mins

ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…

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“Wow, Everything’s Computer”: Trump Learns Size of Cornell Info Sci Program

Nooz Staff03 mins

WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump’s Department of Education and Elon Musk’s so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) have reportedly made inquiries into Cornell University’s activities and funding as part of a broader attack on academia. During an Oval Office press conference on higher education, Trump thumbed through a briefing on Cornell and remarked, “Wow, everything’s computer.”…

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New Sun Column “Abstinence on Mondays” Facing Backlash From Cornell Republicans Who Practice Abstinence Daily

Nooz Staff03 mins

URIS HALL—A new Cornell Daily Sun column entitled “Abstinence on Mondays” is facing intense backlash from Cornell Republicans. The conservative group has called the column offensive to individuals (such as themselves) who practice abstinence daily. Cornell Republicans Vice President Simon Beck ’26, who has not touched a woman in many, many moons, released a statement…

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Guy Working in Department of Job Stability and Secure Income Starting to Get a Bit Worried

Nooz Staff02 mins

WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…

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DEI? Cornell Republicans Obtain Tall, Attractive Member

Nooz Staff02 mins

CENTRAL CAMPUS–Amid President Donald Trump’s virulent nationwide campaign against policies favoring Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, a surprising group of students have elected to take a stand, accepting Dylan Hanson ’26 into their ranks.  “We normally hold our members to extraordinarily high standards,” stated Cornell Republican spokesperson Andrew Baskin ‘25. “They must simultaneously claim to be…

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United States Pulls Out of Global Weather Cycle

Nooz Staff04 mins

GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…

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“A Date Which Will Live in Infamy”: Student Bombs Prelim

Nooz Staff05 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…

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