Category Archives: Uncategorized

In Step Forward, Women Finally Make Up 50% of Engineering Students, 10% of Class Talking Time

CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class. “It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even Read More

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts Read More

Linear Algebra Professor Spends Unsolicited Monologue Telling Students He Will Not Issue Trigger Warnings

MALOTT HALL—During the first class period Monday, Professor Robert Tolkan informed MATH 2940 students that he will not warn them before discussing any mathematical concept covered in the course. “Consider this your trigger warning,” said Tolkan as he strutted up and down the aisles of the lecture hall, attempting to Read More

Slope Day Volunteer Wakes Up Early to Get Head Start on Drinking Free Coffee

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to Read More

New Collegetown Restaurant Already Closing

Photo Credit Cornell Daily Sun

DRYDEN—Citing high rent costs and low demand, Collegetown’s newest restaurant will close immediately following opening day. “It’s been quite a run getting the ingredients needed to make our would-be-famous pizza, but unfortunately, I think our time here in Collegetown is done,” said owner Botswana Capri-Sun at the restaurant’s joint grand Read More

200-Student Lecture Held Hostage By Yet Another Question From Kevin

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well Read More

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this Read More

Thesis Advisor A Little Too Eager To Meet Before Faculty-Student Relationship Policy Kicks In

KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s Read More