Frat With No Pledges Handing Out Sad Little Pamphlets Outside Dining Hall Like An A Capella Group

MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members.

“We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most of these guys just dipped after we bought them dinner.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’ve been leaving my contact info with all of the dudes I see jostling each other in the hall and shouting in the library. But, to be honest, we’re scraping the bottom of the keg here.”

In a last-ditch effort to generate applicant interest, Phi Omega Omega has resorted to unconventional recruiting methods, including setting up pathetic little pamphlet stations outside the doors of North Campus dining halls. 

“It was kind of depressing,” remarked David Ramos ‘27, a passerby. “One of them was wearing a sooty newsboy cap and shaking a tin cup. He promised me that if I joined, they’d only haze me, like, a little. I felt so bad I almost pledged then and there.”

On the nearby sidewalk, several brothers attempted to expand their recruiting effort with a cutesy chalk art of their fraternity seal, although the task was hindered by melting snow and eventually abandoned. Participating brothers described the exercise as “utterly humiliating”, “artistically discouraging”, “emasculating”, and “low-key just fuckin’ lame, man”.

Fortunately, Lancaster reassured us that Phi Omega Omega has a failsafe just in case their innovative new recruitment strategies don’t pan out. He explained that most of Cornell’s frats are so incredibly elite, respectable and exclusive that they’re bound to have hordes of desperate, wealthy young men clamoring to join. “We can simply scoop up their rejects,” concluded the president. If luck holds, the historic brotherhood may just survive another year.

Up Your Ass and Around the Corner: Finding your Classroom in Uris Hall

URIS HALL—In a non-stop crusade to find his FWS classroom, Davey Harris ‘27 has spent the past seven days living in the septic corridors of Uris Hall. Though his concerned peers have advised that he simply drop the course (and perhaps seek psychiatric help), Harris is determined to find UH249.

“I’ve circled this floor 1,643 times,” muttered a frenzied Harris, scribbling nonsensical lines on the wall with purple chalk. “I’m not crazy–I follow the room numbers: 245, 247, 251… but 249…249…” Harris scrambled on all fours to a nearby bulletin board and traced the QR code for Cornell in Washington with his fingertip. When asked about the QR code, Harris narrowed his eyes and hissed “it’s the map.” 

“He was so normal before,” wept Sally Ferrera 27′, a friend of Harris. “I just don’t understand why anyone would choose to put a class in that horrible building.” Sally paused before continuing: “I don’t even understand why they built that building. It looks like shit.”

Harris’ FWS professor, Denver Scotts, was surprised to hear his classroom was so hard to find. “It’s really not that complicated,” Scotts said. “You just enter the building, go up two floors, locate the ancient Tibetan gargoyle and place before him the cerulean herbal extract from the Pool of Arctic Tears, turn left, steal the golden fleece, and presto!”

Harris’ classmates have confirmed that these exact directions were on the syllabus, and that he should have paid closer attention.

And How Urgent Is This Issue?” Says Landlord After Microwave Begins Leaking Sewage

STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. 

“It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned a hole through the floor, the microwave was on fire, and worse, I couldn’t heat my ramen.”

To Wilson’s surprise, his landlord seemed not at all concerned with the issue.

“What’s a lil’ noxious sewage leak?” commented Mr. Rudie, owner of Rudie’s Rottin’ Rentals. “I’ve got this blonde chick up the block who needs me to remove three hibernating bears from her bedroom, and this other guy with some weird radiator thing where instead of emitting heat it hisses ‘Hurricane’  by Bridget Medler,” Rudie chuckled. “If acid microwave fluid is an urgent issue, then I must be a bad landlord.”

Despite Rudie’s nonchalance, Kyle has decided to take matters into his own hands.

“I’m moving into the Mallott Hall Math Library,” said Kyle. “It’s perfect–no rent, no people, no commute–just asbestos.”

OP-ED: Why You Should Rush Manson Family Phi This Semester

THURSTON AVE—The start of the new year brings the start of a new rush cycle. Cornellians enter mortal combat to join illustrious and historic organizations such as Pi Omega Omega and Pi Epsilon Epsilon. But what of those who hesitate? After all, some are unsure about spending cash for friends. For those individuals, the brotherhood of Manson Family Phi encourages you to apply. 

“We’re a real family and accept all students indiscriminately. As long as you regularly abuse Benzedrine,” explained founder Marley Banson. “And LSD. And possess an impressive pedigree. For those that meet such accessible criteria, know that in accordance with our Diversity Equity and Inclusion initiative, all will be provided a fair chance at recruitment.”

Members of Manson Family Phi believe that Greek life should be “a killer experience.” As such, new member education is secretive and taken extraordinarily seriously. Rumors have described “chugging a trough of Kool-Aid within an hour” and “fun with goats.”

“Banson is a good guy. He has never hurt anyone,” said Brother Colt Ist ’25, upon being asked about new member education and other traditions in Manson Family Phi. “I think he is a good guy and has never hurt anyone,” Ist elaborated. “If he did hurt someone, they probably deserved it…You should join us. We’re a real family.” 

Manson Family Phi has recently stumbled into controversy after member retention sharply declined amidst complaints of compulsory $70 sweatshirt purchases. 

Aw! The Army of Roaches in the Walls of Your Apartment are Thrilled to Have you Back From Break

COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their big, murderous friends around.

“We’re just so tickled to have all our pals back!” reported one Collegetown Plaza roach. “And we know they are just as excited to come home and see us scuttling around their kitchens like old times.” 

One young roach couple from the Eddygate apartments are particularly excited to share their birth announcement with their human roommates. “I waited for them to come back before throwing the baby shower, because I knew they wouldn’t want to miss it,” explained the new mom. “I just can’t wait to see the look on their faces when our 15 new babies show up in their shower!”

Many roaches attributed their excitement to the fact that their human friends accept them as companions now, rather than seeking to remove them as they have done in the past. “Some people call their landlords about us and try to bring in exterminators,” explained one roach. “But I think the humans are learning to love us! No one I know has had to deal with an exterminator or pest control in years!”

When asked about this decrease in calls about roach problems, a representative from one rental office noted that his office does, in fact, still receive frequent maintenance requests for pest control, but “didn’t realize we were actually supposed to follow up on that.”

Dad Seems to Think He and Your Roommate are “Good Pals”

CASCADILLA HALL—Amidst the fervent anticipation for the new semester, none were more excited this past move-in weekend than 62-year-old Brett Fauning. Sporting his famous “Cornell Dad” hat and sweater combo, Mr. Fauning was ecstatic to finally be spending some quality time with his son’s roommate.

“All last semester he was asking ‘How’s my buddy, Henry?’,” said Grant Fauning ‘26. “I mean, half our conversations are about my roommate. Just last week it went: ‘Did Henry make the hockey team?’ ‘How are Henry’s parents?’, and then finally ‘We’re turning your bedroom into a home-gym.’ Listen, I like Henry a lot, but my Dad spent 20 minutes with the guy five months ago and he’s this close to putting his picture in his wallet.”

Upon reuniting, the two friends quickly fell back into their usual routine as though no time had passed at all. After relearning that Henry lived in Virginia, Mr. Fauning deftly surmised that he must’ve had “quite the trip” coming back to campus. The pair discussed how snow was hard to drive through and that the weather in Ithaca was colder than the weather in Norfolk. Moving on to even deeper topics, Mr. Fauning remarked that Henry’s choice to major in business was “a smart one,” and that he had “a good head on his shoulders.”

“Oh, Henry? Good kid,” said Mr. Fauning. “I was just telling Grant that we oughta go down and visit Henry in Maryland sometime, make it a family vacation.”

Mr. Fauning is also looking forward to moving his daughter into Middlebury next weekend and catching up with her two roommates, “the one with the hair,” and “Violet or Vivian or something.”

Weather Conditions Perfect for Making FWOOMP Sound Effect Before Busting Your Ass on Icy Sidewalk

ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.”

Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The snowfall, the windchill, the almost-but-not-quite shoveled sidewalks… The conditions are perfect for watching unsuspecting victi–I mean students–eat shit on their way to and from class.”

As the founder and head researcher of Ithacans for Climate-Related Levity (formerly Ithacans for Climate-Related Injury), Trast operates a network of repurposed trail cameras and ultra-sensitive microphones to capture what he calls “gaiety in its rawest form.”

“I’m always watching,” Trast murmurs as he presents his video collection of weather-related accidents*. “The SLOOPs and the SLEEEPs and the FWEEEPs are all well and good. My personal favorite is the SHWOOP–but that’s self-explanatory. The KRRACK is for the refined palette… But the FWOOMPs… rarely are conditions ever so slippery, so dangerous, so perfect…”

In preparation for the coming season, ICRL’s R&D department is hard at work researching ways to reduce the effectiveness of road salt and increase the incline of walkways “everywhere.”

*Editor’s note: ICRL’s administration insists there is “no such thing” as a weather-related accident.

Guy Wearing “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Definitely Didn’t Need to Clarify

DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major.

“Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw Reid leaving a Phillips Hall restroom without using soap to wash his hands. “The mysterious orange stain covering the lower half of his shirt and its accompanying smell communicated more than a slogan ever could,” White added.

Jillian Abhrahams ‘25, one of two women Reid is familiar with, concurred.

“Yeah, he wears that shirt pretty often…for days at a time, and without washing it,” Abrahams said. “But just look at him, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.”

Despite criticism, the engineering student defends his choice of wardrobe, arguing that it is never okay to judge people for their appearances.

“Making assumptions about people is never okay,” Reid responded. “I am more than an engineering major–I am also minoring in computer science.”

Remember Hanukkah? Tiny Seasonal Knickknack Section at Target Does!

With a flourish, Target Employee of the Month Cathy Peterson proudly set a single gleaming menorah on a far back corner of the store. The Hanukkah section was ready for its big debut. 

A self-described spokesperson for the Jewish people, Smith dedicates herself to philanthropic pursuits such as these to honor the singular practicing Jew in her hometown. “I love to give back to the community,” Smith beamed before plugging in the twelve-foot-tall inflatable Santa Claus by the entryway.

Target Manager Mark Hunt explained that for him, embracing other cultures is the best part of the holiday season. “It brings us great joy to represent both of the two religions here at Target. That means not just celebrating Christmas but the Jewish one with the candelabra as well!” He said before flicking on the Christmas tree’s sparkling lights, bathing the store in a red and green glow. 

Student shopper Daphne Rogers ‘25, who happened upon the holiday display while running errands, articulated delight at the initiative. “Oh yeah! I remember Hanukkah!” she exclaimed. “Glad they’re doing another year of that.”

Target always boasts a vast array of holiday decorations during the month of December, but this year, Smith’s energy has ignited the hearts of her coworkers. That’s why even the store’s Starbucks cafe plans to celebrate the Festival of Lights. Employee Jessica Hawes revealed the top secret ingredients behind their new “Gelt Latte” in an interview. “It’s a mocha,” she said

Renovations at Olin Library Set to Replace Ancient Manuscripts with Newer, more Modern Books

OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature.

A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of the Federalist papers signed by Alexander Hamilton will be replaced with a hip and chic transcript of Hamilton the Musical, signed by Lin Manuel Miranda. One of the particularly decrepit and crumpled Dead Sea Scrolls, a copy of the Old Testament from 200 BCE, will be replaced by a cleaner and more modern iteration, My First Read and Learn Bible by Pastor Greg.

Asked for comment, library attendant Jim Granock ‘24 said: “I love that they are finally throwing out all the old junk in this room, it always smelled awful. Yesterday, I had to toss this really gross and grimy document out, I think it was signed by like a Julio Chees-er or something. Whatever it was, good riddance.”

Some other students protested the upgrades, with claims that the university was “destroying priceless artifacts” and “setting back years of historical research”. The administration, however, still remains committed to renovating the library in full, including its collection of grubby old papers.

A few other swaps that will be made include throwing out a 16th-century copy of The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli and replacing it with The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump. Additionally, The Iliad by Homer will no longer be available, and instead, students can access The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan for Greek mythological research.