Pelosi Credits End of Shutdown to “Sanctuary For All” Poster in Corner of Cornell Professor’s Window

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. Read More

Trustee Meeting on Improving University Transparency Closed to Public

DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public. “We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this Read More

Well-Intentioned Professor Writes “Happy 4th Day of Chankgukah” On Board

MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah. “I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator Read More

Brave Student Sparks Revolution With Scathing Course Evaluation

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a display of gritty revolutionary spirit, Elia Wang ‘21 took it upon herself to use course evaluations to dismantle Cornell’s ruling class: tenured professors. “I was looking for a way to truly make my voice heard,” said Wang. “And submitting an evaluation of straight ones will be Read More

Best Known as Ezra Cornell’s Fourth Cousin Five Times Removed, George H.W. Bush Dies at 94

HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, Read More

Op-Ed: My Professor Said There Were No Dumb Questions, But Got Mad When I Asked If Women Are People Too

Just yesterday, my professor encouraged us to ask questions and not to feel embarrassed if we didn’t understand something. Yet when I asked later in lecture whether women are, in fact, people, she totally flew off the handle! I was dumbfounded. She completely flipped out, and it was RIGHT after Read More