DAY HALL—Amid violently expressive protests around campus, President Pollack looks to improve the growingly pernicious Cornell ethos through the enforcement of the “compliment sandwich method.” “It’s come to our attention that some students have been saying hateful things about me–I mean members of the administration. This goes against our campus policy of being nice,” explained…
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK—Visiting home for the weekend, Trevor Troob ‘27 was surprised to find that every time he mentioned the concept of prelim, it went straight to his head. Though Troob’s ego was already somewhat inflated, after clarifying that prelims were “like the Cornell versions of tests,” he began to realize how much better he…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences. “Cornell…
This past Friday, the most dire tragedy in the life of a young bright college student came to fruition—that’s right, it was laundry day. Sadly the 57 pairs of identical black socks I brought from home did not absolve me from this soul crushing experience. The arduous process began sharply at dawn to avoid everyone…
ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other…
MANN LIBRARY—The infamous and self-proclaimed “well-intentioned” peeping tom stalking the stalls of Mann Library has crossed boundaries, both social and physical, by reaching his hand right over the urinal divider in order to flush for another student. When questioned about his breaking of the lavatory taboo, Jackson Tuttle ‘24 defended his actions by shrugging his…
KENNEDY HALL—Fresh out of vibrantly-colored stickers to slap on his face, Peter Tripe ‘25 was facing the utter embarrassment of going outside with a single pimple on his forehead. Fortunately, Tripe was able to deftly avoid disaster by turning himself into a clown. “God I looked ridiculous,” said Tripe, his lips painted green. “This morning…
HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision. Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which…
WARREN HALL—Every semester, thousands of Cornellians ambiguously fill out When2Meet surveys seeking an optimal hour to schedule their weekly rendezvous. While scrutinizing the availability of his fellow project teammates, president Edmund Fitch ‘24 was shocked to see that for the first time, the socially inept loner on the team indicated that he was unavailable to…
Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” He talked at length about…
