Tag Archives: Academics

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected. “We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to Read More

OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers.  Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on Read More

“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture

ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture.  “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see Read More

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer.  “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire Read More

Disturbingly Vast Collection of African Fertility Idols on Mantel Sure Taking Away from Professor’s Accounting Lecture

ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room.  “He has mentioned before that Read More

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even Read More

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes.  “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi Read More

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend.  “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming Read More

Cryptic “OMG! Wrong Group” Message Hints at Interesting Private Life for Ryan from Marketing Project GroupMe

DENVER, CO—Members of a local AEM 2420 group project gained an unexpected glimpse into the private life of teammate Ryan Homans ’23 after he accidentally messaged in the wrong GroupMe. “Heyy boyys, just grabbed the harnesses. The swing is still in Liam’s garage- it needs to be wiped down… badly Read More

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule. “He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her Read More