Tag Archives: Academics

Professor Drops Class at Last Possible Minute


KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period. “I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already Read More

Student Texting During Class Has Literally No Idea What Professor Is Saying


BAILEY HALL – Approximately fifteen minutes into her 10:10 AM lecture for Intro to Marketing, Haley O’Quinn ‘19 had literally no idea what her professor was saying after she started texting during class. “Since I was in my first morning class and hadn’t had the chance to check my phone Read More

Government Major Convinced He Would Probably Be Great President


GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Admitting that it will probably happen in his bright future, Government major Conrad Davis ’17 is convinced that he could actually be a great president someday. “I know it’s a long shot, but I’d do a good job,” Davis said, his voice resonating with the leadership Read More

Professor to Start Posting Links on Blackboard


MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard. “I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading Read More

Senior Figures He Probably Has 30-40 Good Fuckups Left Before Graduating

smiling teen boy carrying schoolbag

COLLEGETOWN — Citing the steady stream of misfortunes that have befallen him in his first three years at Cornell, Senior Larry Alexander estimates that he will probably have at least 30-40 good fuckups before graduating in May. “If the past three years have served as any indicator, I’m pretty sure Read More

Freshmen Waiting for School Bell To Go Off After Lecture

Demotivated students sitting in a lecture hall with one girl napping in college

GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL —  At the end of their first class of the day, students in Professor Stuart Davis’ Freshman Writing Seminar waited an extra ten minutes past 11:00 for the school bell to ring and signal dismissal to go to next period’s class. “Are they broken today?” asked Stuart Frye Read More

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

Author signing autograph in own book at wooden table on light blurred background

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” Read More

Professors Notice Increase in Student Motivation To Be the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was


FOREST HOME — Weeks after leaving their hometowns, an unprecedented number of reinvigorated students have surprised staff with an overflowing enthusiasm to train and learn, striving to be the very best, like no one ever was. Faculty report record high class attendance and engagement, as more students than ever have Read More