ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which…
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing…
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen. According to our source, the training of these equine…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time,…
Student’s were shocked to find a 4,000-word, multi-colored rant in their mailboxes Monday morning. The email, sent around 4:00am, was written by Denice Cassaro, Cornell’s Associate Director for Student Leadership, Engagement and Campus Activities. Cassaro is most well known for sending weekly emails to freshman listing campus and community activities. Although CU Nooz was not…
BAKER LAB- As Mrs. Winkler entered the auditorium full of eager CHEM 2070 students, she was met with concerned whispers from the crowd. The 300 murmuring students were silenced only when one of them dared to blurt out the question on everyone’s mind. “Where’s Mr. Zax today? and who are you?” exclaimed brave freshman Eric…
WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of…
ITHACA- Thousands of Cornell students and faculty spend yesterday with their loved ones, in order to commemorate events involving a man who was on a boat a very long time ago. All courses were cancelled, and most students’ parents were allowed to take off from work as well. Administration spokesperson Patricia Stevens explained that, “The…
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens? David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!? CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have…
