Fifth Generation Cornellian Couldn’t Do Any Better Than This, Apparently

SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this.

Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing his excitement at “finally joining the Big Red family” and making it immediately obvious to his peers that he has literally no other prospects.

Like Dansworth, other members of his family made sure to brag about this lackluster feat on their social media, as if literally the rest of their family hadn’t achieved the same exact thing.

“College application season has been nothing short of stressful, especially considering how much time and money we spent on tutoring, college application coaches, private meetings with trustees, and generations of alumni donations,” said his mother, Claire Dansworth ‘72 in a Facebook post. “It’s so exciting to see Warren follow in the footsteps of his brother, me, his father, his grandparents, great-grandparents, and his great-great grandfather. God willing, his children and grandchildren will follow in the same path as well.”

As of press time, Dansworth was seen drafting a LinkedIn post expressing his excitement  to receive an internship offer at the same exact company his mother, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather worked at.

Cornell Ranked Among Top Three Universities in Tompkins County

DAY HALL — Scoring three out of four stars, Cornell University was again ranked in the top three in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2017 List of Best Universities in Tompkins County.

“It’s definitely a testament to the quality of the faculty and dining options we are proud to have at Cornell,” said Vice Assistant Dean of Academic Services Melissa Hart, “I’d say it is probably the best learning experience you can get within a thirty or forty-minute drive from downtown.”

The complex formula employed by U.S. News and World Report includes factors such as number of applicants rejected and faculty salaries. The ranking methodology also looks at school-specific programs and the quantity of research performed.

“It really helped me narrow down my search,” said Victor Mitchell ’20, when prompted to discuss how the University rankings influenced his college decision process. “There are just so many colleges around here, and I really wanted to go to a school with prestige. The U.S. News rankings were very useful in helping me choose the best college in the Ithaca area.”

Cornell also ranked well in several other lists, including “Best Schools Where You Learn to Read Really Good,” and “Top Universities Not Located in New England.”