COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months. Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things…
CORNELL CINEMA—After weeks of mobilizing students to save Cornell Cinema, Simone Ellis ‘19 reacted to the S.A. and Administration’s agreement to establish secure Cinema funding by purchasing movie tickets for the first time. “Cornell Cinema is one of the best benefits of attending this school, so of course I was outraged when it was almost…
CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked. “We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350…
McGOVERN FIELDS — As setup for this weekend’s Spartan College Classic obstacle course commences, organizers of the event have revealed one of the most challenging obstacles of the race will be the decision of whether or not to give up early and go home. After ten minutes of crawling through mud, participants in the Spartan…
ITHACA — After the recent legalization of gay marriage by the Supreme Court on Friday, Cornell University founders Ezra Cornell and AD White were finally able to get engaged. “I was so incredibly happy when I heard the big news, but for Ezra to pop the question immediately was the icing on the cake!” exclaimed…
DAY HALL- University officials announced this morning an annual fee will be added to tuition in order to address budget shortfalls caused by student protests. “We love that our students participate in the Democratic process by exerting their first amendment rights,” said President David Skorton, “but it is only necessary that the University be compensated…
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. “Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
